W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

— W. C. Fields

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank…

— W. C. Fields

“I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her…

— W. C. Fields

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

— W. C. Fields

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play…

— W. C. Fields

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the…

— W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

— W. C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an…

— W. C. Fields

I'm searching for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

— W. C. Fields

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside…

— W. C. Fields

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields

“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.”

— W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

— W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

— W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

— W. C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people…

— W. C. Fields

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and…

— W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again…

— W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

— W. C. Fields

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

— W. C. Fields

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually…

— W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields