Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If we're free to do what we want, why does government always have a plan for us? — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you get outside the world of show business and its satellites, there's a whole world of car nuts in the Los… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley! — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you're doing a column, you kind of have to. Like in the back of Sports Illustrated, Rick Reilly has to find… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
We're gonna be in a world of hurt if we don't get it fixed, because there's going to be billions of people… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Asia is the continent rhythm forgot. At best Asian music is off-brand American pop, like Sonny Bono in a karaoke bar. At… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A pleasant natural environment is a good - a luxury good, philosophical good, a moral goody-good, a good time for all. Whatever,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If libertarianism were easy to explain, and it weren't easy to exaggerate the effects of libertarianism, I think it would have been… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gambling is so pervasive in Nevada that maybe the state should just go the whole hog. There'd be gum machines that dispensed… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
[Kurt] Vonnegut once said, if you ever want to know who somebody is... Like you look at Richard Nixon, or Adolf Hitler,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like the fact that they still run substantive pieces. I'm not sure I like the pieces, but it's nice that they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I buy a tractor two years ago, and four-fifths of the tractor manual is about not tipping over, not raising the bucket… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his wife. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
We'll run this planet as we please, and if you don't like it, go back where we came from. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I wonder if it changes the nature of a society for beauty to be so common. Maybe in Vietnam "She has a… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
And worrying is less work than doing something to fix the worry. This is especially true if we're careful to pick the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
My whole family can talk. They are all car salesmen. They are all funny. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
![“[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were…” quote by P. J. O'Rourke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/6d2/p-j-o-rourke-184_abuse_t-he-clinton-administration-launched-an_664366.jpg)
![“[Kurt] Vonnegut once said, if you ever want to know who somebody is... Like you look at Richard Nixon, or Adolf Hitler, or Ralph Nader, or anybody who seems like a difficult person to understand, and is therefore not part of the pattern of human behavior. Think about who they were in high school…” quote by P. J. O'Rourke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/900/p-j-o-rourke-184_behavior_kurt-vonnegut-once-said-if-you-ever-want_97504.jpg)
![“I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found that they had essentially the same problems as they do now.” quote by P. J. O'Rourke](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/346/p-j-o-rourke-184_amount_i-think-in-the-bill-clinton-era-if-peopl_1906545.jpg)
