Humorous Quotes by Joan Rivers

9 Humorous quotes by Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers’ bold humor is packed into nine brief statements. These quick quips showcase her unapologetic style, ideal for a fast laugh.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

Better laid than never.

Joan Rivers

Image

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

Joan Rivers

Image

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

Joan Rivers

Image

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

Joan Rivers

Image

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

Joan Rivers

Image

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

Joan Rivers

Image

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something…

Joan Rivers

Image

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

Joan Rivers

Image

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Joan Rivers

Image

Other authors on Humorous

More by Joan Rivers

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It…

Joan Rivers

Image

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Joan Rivers

Image

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always…

Joan Rivers

Image

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm…

Joan Rivers

Image

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed…

Joan Rivers

Image

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

Joan Rivers

Image

If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities…

Joan Rivers

Image

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Joan Rivers

Image

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage…

Joan Rivers

Image

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

Joan Rivers

Image

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Joan Rivers

Image

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

Joan Rivers

Image

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking…

Joan Rivers

Image

I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.

Joan Rivers

Image

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

Joan Rivers

Image