I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"... — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
