The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker? — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
