Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!! — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
