My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker? — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
