My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
