Hillarious Quotes by Joan Rivers

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

— Joan Rivers

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

— Joan Rivers

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

— Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

— Joan Rivers

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

— Joan Rivers

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

— Joan Rivers

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

— Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to…

— Joan Rivers

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

— Joan Rivers

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs…

— Joan Rivers

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

— Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

— Joan Rivers

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

— Joan Rivers

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

— Joan Rivers

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

— Joan Rivers

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the…

— Joan Rivers