I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man,… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
