You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
