When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
