I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
