I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
