I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
