I can Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

11 I can quotes by Anthony Jeselnik

All I can quotes Anthony Jeselnik’s page

Anthony Jeselnik mixes sarcasm with confidence, and these eleven brief statements illustrate that balance. They’re handy when you want a sharp, humor‑laden reminder that you’re capable.

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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let…

Anthony Jeselnik

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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik

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I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about…

Anthony Jeselnik

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On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it…

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I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to…

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I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

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Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

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Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

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About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.…

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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

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I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played…

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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but…

Anthony Jeselnik

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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Anthony Jeselnik

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