I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
