My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
