Alive Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

“Babies are the worst roommates. They’re unemployed. They don’t pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate…

— Jim Gaffigan

“I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals…

— David Sedaris

“I know you want me to leave. I understand that. But I can’t, princess … You’re pregnant. And you’re alone.” “Lots of women have…

— Molly O'Keefe

I tell my wife that she doesn't need a baby since she has me to look after.

— Zayed Khan

I went down to my baby's house and I sit down on her steps. She said, now come on in now, you know, my…

— Muddy Waters

“you can’t complain around a pregnant woman. I know that because I’ve lived with one for eight years. Every one of the man’s problems…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Being at home was like a mattress to fall back on with the smallest of peas on the bottom, just large enough to bother…

— Alida Nugent

“I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little – if only out of politeness.”

— Culver Connor McCall

“My baby don’ care fo’ rings or other expensive things— My baby just cares—fo’—me!”

— Tennessee Williams

“My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub…

— Jarod Kintz

“Shit...I don't know anything about babies. I mean, I literally know nothing. I'll be a terrible father. oh my God, I asked you to…

— Kimberly Lauren

Each home has been reduced to the bare essentials -- to barer essentials than most primitive people would consider possible. Only one woman's hands…

— Margaret Mead