Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
![“Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attention_silence-means-they-the-audience-are-payi_2096332.jpg)
