When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
