The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
