If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
