I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
