Congratulations Quote by Jack Handey

I had just put the casket in the hearse and was watching it drive away, when a beautiful blond woman comes up and embraces…

— Ryan O'Neal

“To the dads who think they’re the funniest person in the room—and sometimes, they actually are! Whether you're telling those classic dad jokes, giving…

— Life is Positive

While fathers are pleasant figureheads, there is a special bond between children and their mothers. 'Do you help your mother clean up the house?'…

— Bill Cosby

My mother told me I said to her, at age three, 'I'm going to go to Italy and get my father in a tractor.'…

— Roger Waters

“Your mother mentioned she had a little girl. These are for you, sweetheart. Just a little something, heh heh." He handed me a wrinkled…

— Wally Lamb

“I'm going to tell Mom and Dad, you know?" "No, you're not." God, I couldn't stop laughing. When my sister thought about it for…

— Stephen Chbosky

There was no joke I could make that was too offensive. I can actually remember at least one time where my mother told me…

— Seth MacFarlane

“By the Lady’s never-sucked teats!” “Elas Sil!” “Oh shut up! I’m a woman, I can curse about things like that. Wait, it’s not as…

— Steven Erikson

I was taken to an examining room where a big butch nurse practitioner came in and asked me if I was pregnant. “No way!”…

— Tina Fey

“When I asked my parents how the baby got inside Ma, they both laughed, and then Daddy told me they had made it with…

— Wally Lamb

“Congrats, buddy. It's going to be hysterical seeing you try to parent. You're a disaster." "Thanks, asshole," he says, but he's smiling because he…

— Victoria Denault

“You’ll make a sucky father someday,” I tell him with a smile. “I feel sorry for the kid that doesn’t get to burst into…

— Suzanne Young