Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there?… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
