Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
