Life Quotes by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

— Jack Handey

I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…

— Jack Handey

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

— Jack Handey

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

— Jack Handey

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

— Jack Handey

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…

— Jack Handey

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…

— Jack Handey

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

— Jack Handey

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

— Jack Handey

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

— Jack Handey

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

— Jack Handey

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

— Jack Handey

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…

— Jack Handey

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…

— Jack Handey