Ideas Quotes by Jack Handey

13 Ideas quotes by Jack Handey

Jack Handey’s musings on ideas blend absurdity with a surprising twist of wisdom. He invites you to laugh at the oddities of thought while hinting that even the strangest notion can spark a genuine insight.

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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I…

Jack Handey

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Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.

Jack Handey

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My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

Jack Handey

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he…

Jack Handey

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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…

Jack Handey

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Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,…

Jack Handey

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If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that…

Jack Handey

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Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea…

Jack Handey

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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might…

Jack Handey

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If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good…

Jack Handey

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I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the…

Jack Handey

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I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long…

Jack Handey

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The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the…

Jack Handey

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More by Jack Handey

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Jack Handey

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I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down…

Jack Handey

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…

Jack Handey

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Jack Handey

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I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

Jack Handey

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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

Jack Handey

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Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…

Jack Handey

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I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…

Jack Handey

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Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.…

Jack Handey

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can…

Jack Handey

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Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

Jack Handey

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When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

Jack Handey

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When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Jack Handey

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He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married…

Jack Handey

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If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive…

Jack Handey

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