Tim Vine

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count…

— Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

— Tim Vine

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

— Tim Vine

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be…

— Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said…

— Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

— Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

— Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

— Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off.

— Tim Vine

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue.…

— Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an…

— Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put…

— Tim Vine

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really…

— Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

— Tim Vine

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

— Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

— Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member…

— Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

— Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

— Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

— Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're…

— Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is…

— Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

— Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This…

— Tim Vine