Funny Quotes by Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

— Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

— Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an…

— Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member…

— Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

— Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

— Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is…

— Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

— Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

— Tim Vine

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give…

— Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

— Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

— Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a…

— Tim Vine

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I…

— Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

— Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he…

— Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

— Tim Vine

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

— Tim Vine

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be…

— Tim Vine

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'…

— Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

— Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

— Tim Vine

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

— Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I…

— Tim Vine