So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...' — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
