So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
