Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
