Always Quote by Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

— Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she…

— Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,…

— Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

— Steven Wright

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

— Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

— Steven Wright

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The…

— Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I…

— Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby…

— Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

— Steven Wright

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say…

— Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

— Steven Wright