People Quote by Steven Wright

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

Steven Wright

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More by Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she…

Steven Wright

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,…

Steven Wright

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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

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Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

Steven Wright

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I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

Steven Wright

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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The…

Steven Wright

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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I…

Steven Wright

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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby…

Steven Wright

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“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

Steven Wright

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When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say…

Steven Wright

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I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Wright

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Explore all 564 Steven Wright quotes

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From Augustine down, theologians have tried to compel people to accept their special interpretation of the Scripture, and the tortures of the inquisition, the…

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I wanted to write about voodoo tradition that I feel has been very important to survival of black people here: people of the African…

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I feel like I definitely have a real sporty style, more so than a lot of people in G.O.O.D. Music.

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I feel like the future is unwritten. So many of the things that we write now haven't been about educating people on the environment,…

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The only people who think the Internet is a calamity are people whose lives have been hurt by it; the only people who insist…

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Crony capitalism is essentially a condition in which... public officials are giving favours to people in the private sector in payment of political favours.

Alan Greenspan