One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will."… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
