I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
