Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
