Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
