“If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Why even dictate? Well, like a lot of other dictators, there's one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Look, I’ve got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Baptists: I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up. Of course,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I warn you to read this… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
