Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
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