The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
