Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
