My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
![“President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying…” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/930/stephen-colbert-503_america_president-bush-has-embarked-on-an-eight_1657896.jpg)
