News Quotes by Stephen Colbert

18 News quotes by Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert’s 18 remarks on news fuse his comedic flair with pointed analysis, turning everyday headlines into opportunities for reflection and laughter.

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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

Stephen Colbert

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Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

Stephen Colbert

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If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Stephen Colbert

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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

Stephen Colbert

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(on fox news)… it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

Stephen Colbert

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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

Stephen Colbert

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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette…

Stephen Colbert

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

Stephen Colbert

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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always…

Stephen Colbert

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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error…

Stephen Colbert

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Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know…

Stephen Colbert

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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is…

Stephen Colbert

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Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by…

Stephen Colbert

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Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by…

Stephen Colbert

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A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties…

Stephen Colbert

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The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled…

Stephen Colbert

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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point…

Stephen Colbert

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TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican…

Stephen Colbert

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More by Stephen Colbert

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.

Stephen Colbert

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Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a…

Stephen Colbert

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We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and…

Stephen Colbert

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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Stephen Colbert

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Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe.

Stephen Colbert

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It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Stephen Colbert

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Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

Stephen Colbert

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Stephen Colbert

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I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.…

Stephen Colbert

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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd…

Stephen Colbert

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“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.”

Stephen Colbert

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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for…

Stephen Colbert

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