Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
