News Quotes by David Letterman

17 News quotes by David Letterman

David Letterman’s 17 musings on news blend his signature deadpan humor with thoughtful commentary, offering a light‑hearted yet insightful look at how stories shape public perception.

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Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'

David Letterman

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Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

David Letterman

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Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say…

David Letterman

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I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment…

David Letterman

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The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind…

David Letterman

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In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

David Letterman

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One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.

David Letterman

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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

David Letterman

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Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news…

David Letterman

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Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000…

David Letterman

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Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good…

David Letterman

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I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working…

David Letterman

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Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice…

David Letterman

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You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this…

David Letterman

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Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the…

David Letterman

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CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

David Letterman

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Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce…

David Letterman

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Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it…

David Letterman

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You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and…

David Letterman

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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

David Letterman

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There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They…

David Letterman

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I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

David Letterman

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Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

David Letterman

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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since…

David Letterman

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I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

David Letterman

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“There is no off position on the genius”

David Letterman

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I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to…

David Letterman

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Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really…

David Letterman

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If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

David Letterman

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Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of…

David Letterman

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Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman

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Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

David Letterman

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