As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
