If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
![“Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/ea2/stephen-colbert-503_bill-o-reilly_like-all-great-theologies-bill-o-reilly_754406.jpg)
![“First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a31/stephen-colbert-503_bongs_first-in-high-school-i-smoked-a-lot-of-p_1076307.jpg)
![“So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business…” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/163/stephen-colbert-503_bribe_so-what-a-lobbyist-cheated-indian-tribes_2910152.jpg)
![“We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we…” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/787/stephen-colbert-503_able_we-all-know-why-the-generals-are-so-crit_2812898.jpg)
