If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this."… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
