It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Improvisation in general is good, and improvising material into themes, turning the material into something codified and repeatable, taught me scenic structure… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandin g. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
