I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
