Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact?' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It's got plenty of time for you.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
