“I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.” — Jarod Kintz Condoms Copy Share Image
“I stole her perfume out of her car, and in its place I left a loud fart.” — Jarod Kintz Perfume Copy Share Image
“I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.” — Jarod Kintz Older Copy Share Image
“I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Asshole Copy Share Image
“Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.” — Jarod Kintz Massage Copy Share Image
“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?” — Jarod Kintz Champagne Copy Share Image
“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).” — Jarod Kintz Diapers Copy Share Image
“I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.” — Jarod Kintz Armpits Copy Share Image
“I discovered a time capsule from WWII disguised as a bomb. I’m going to open it with my screwdriver-like teeth.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society, I have… — Jarod Kintz Body work Copy Share Image
“You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.” — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who… — Jarod Kintz Caesar Copy Share Image
“This is a pickup line that’s sure to not work: I want to inquire if you’re in choir or not, because you’re… — Jarod Kintz Boobies Copy Share Image
“War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about… — Jarod Kintz Ideology Copy Share Image
“If you drive the same car as me, and have been in a fender bender, I’ll think, “Boy, that’s what my car… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose.… — Jarod Kintz Waste Copy Share Image
“He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his… — Jarod Kintz Wore Red Copy Share Image
“I remember one time some guy put caviar in my omelet, and I had to complain saying, “Excuse me, you idiot, but… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I can’t extrapolate a theory of what people would do based on the limited data set of what one person—myself—would do. That’s… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Before the blue of night meets the pink of sunrise, there is a transition of lavender. It's a gradient of color that… — Jarod Kintz Blue Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don't have a stutter.… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Piss Copy Share Image
“I’ve got lots of pictures of the four years I spent in collage.” — Jarod Kintz Collage Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Barley Copy Share Image
“I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.” — Jarod Kintz Discount Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“My favorite thing isn’t being the favorite to win—it’s being the underdog.” — Jarod Kintz Favorite thing Copy Share Image
“Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?” — Jarod Kintz Argue Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.” — Jarod Kintz Ladies man Copy Share Image
“I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list in no particular order: chaos, confusion, and disorganization.” — Jarod Kintz Chaos Copy Share Image
“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
